Norwegian Woods

 

Fjordland

 

33 Square Meters

Paris has a lot going for it. We got to spend three days there. Three full days taking in the great city of light.

Mostly spent walking around eating and drinking. Which isn’t a bad way to spend your time anywhere.

We spent the first night with my Cousin who had he comfiest sofa bed in Europe. Then we went off to our flat we had rented. A small dusty studio flat with unvarnished wooden floors and french windows opened up over the rooftops. If you pressed your face to the wall you could just get a view of the Sacre-Coeur.

We cracked a cheap bottle of wine, tore a crust off a baguette and got excited for the things to come.

Luton: Revoloutions

Luton is Luton.

You can scrub the dirt off a potato, but its still a dirt apple.

A Pomme de Terre for you Francophiles.

But a big fat chunk of my extended family lives there because of many reasons. All the family living there is probably number 1 on the list of reasons. Being born there, another reason. A slight shrug could be the third reason…

Maybe there aren’t so many reasons at all.

So, anyway, Dad lives there, thats his toolshed at the top. Dad loves hammers.

We had a party because he had been around the sun many, many times. It was quite a big deal. All the various generations of family assembled in a hall and had a big party, with a few impromptu parties thrown in. It was nice.

Between all that I showed my partner the center of town and a couple of Pubs. I felt terrible because this city was her introduction to Europe. She was polite and was overly positive about the town and my Family who can be a bit full on.

On our last day a fat homeless man passed out in the bushes outside a pub we were drinking in and Paramedics had to revive him and take him away. He was so overweight that they had to use a special stretcher apparently.

It was a really lovely day.

 

A storm called Irma

Another Postcard Afternoon.

It stunk out. A stiff northerly kicked up a dust devil as I stepped out of the car and walked to the drive thru bottle-o. Grit’s whipped into my eyes. They weep as I’m peeling the shirt off my back, I step into the cool room and quickly find the cheapest slab pale ale.

“Cheer up mate, cant be that bad” the bald mad with stubby digits says to the chuckle of a small crowd of local boozers queuing up at the counter.

Back in the lot. Looks like a wreckers backyard. Cars parked haphazardly wherever they’ll fit across the potholed mosaic of asphalt and broken glass. Its always been like this since I’ve known it.

But it wont be forever. No.

A passing glance reveals a wee tsunami of gentrification washing through the streets of old Palmy. Shiny white Cafes, Hip restaurants, boutique shops and trendy barbers. A dozen or so popping up in the last year. The pissheads with the blistered coupons wont be chuckling when they cant afford the rent anymore.

The slabs in the boot. I spark up and sink back into the cab.

Suns getting low.

Lighting up the faded pastels of the highway motels real nicely.

Lights go red.

Lights go green.

Lights go red.

Traffic backs up and we all crawl along in this beautiful stinking postcard afternoon together.

 

Death to Smoochy

There was an ice skating scene with a Barney the dinosaur knockoffplayed by Edward Norton and a clown played by Robin Williams. I was watching it hungover. It was in the afternoon. On analogue television a long time ago and I thought it was pretty great at the time.

It was out of all context. Just a holiday to someplace.

You know Dany Devito made films?

Pin-Holes

Wood Chips

It’s another Monday in the kitchen. The weekend rush is over, now its time to get to work organising the kitchen for the week ahead, to restock the cold room and unpack the largest, bulkiest delivery of the week, which is comprised of dry goods and long holding products, like cheese. The washing machine is on the fritz and the frier needs and oil change too but thats enough mundane detail from the life we chose to live. As thrilled as I know you are to hear it.

I’m joined by Tommy Gun the cool Kiwi who is slicing very ripe tomatoes as I unpack the delivery.  Now join me as I run my knife along the packing tape of a box to reveal a collection of goats cheese logs…

I pick up the perfectly round cylinder and flip in in my palm, slapping it down on the bench to grab Toms attention.

“What do you think of this Goats Cheese we’re using?”

Tom shot me a downcast look, “Not great bro, I don’t really dig it hey”

“The taste?”

“Yeah there’s something about it, hey. Its not right”

“Yeah its shitty alright” I roll another roll onto the bench

“You know what it tastes like? Its like a goats cheese made by a robot in a some kind of, not too distant, dystopian future where automation has progressed to a point where all food production has been taken over by robots.”

“Yeah, its got no soul!” Tommy exclaimed excitedly.

“And it tastes like plastic too… Cheap though.” I say, with a resigned shrug.

I bundle up the rolls and grab some other bits and make my way to the cool room. Outside the clouds are rolling in, creeping over the sunshine. A few customers are walking up the steps, two by two. Another trucks pulled in with the fruit and veg. He’s fudging about in the back of the truck, no doubt somethings missing, I’ll deal with that the on the way back in…

Across the road the last rays of light hit the ocean as the traffic begins to back up through the intersection.

And I step off the steamy street, into the cool air of the walk-in.

Ash Tray Hearts

I knew it was going to be a bad one. I knew it when I stirred and found my eyes stuck together in a coagulated mix of conjunctivitis and sand from the beach. The Party. I didn’t know didely-do-shit about what went down. My phone was dead. And the room? Trashed.

Who was this glassy eyed fuck looking back at me in the mirror? What did you do shithead? he asked aloud sending a spasm of pain reverberating around my skull. He winced. I had that dread in the guts. Real tight.

When the dry heaving was done I felt marginally better and though to get a move on. Whose house was this anyway?

The sun kills. Burning through my Burger King happy meal Wayfarer knockoffs. I’m a greasy stinking pile of shit going down the main drag to Burleigh Town. There’s a stain on my chino’s that makes it appear like I’ve pissed myself. I probably did. Piss doesn’t stain though. Does it? Fuck.

I’m hurting and sweating and stumbling down the highway. I’m regret imbued in flesh. I lean behind a  tattoo parlour and have a little heave. I go inside and ask for some water.

Four hours later and I’m back on the baking pavement. It was cool in there. Empty too. The guy was bored so he gave me a good rate. So I got my forearm covered. Fuck it. Freestyle, I said. The needle took the rest of the pain away. He gave me a beer and I nodded off…

Now looking at it, I see a scrawling dagger stabbing a cartoon bat or something with a skull shooting lazers going all the way around hitting some kind of egg thats cracked and a fried egg is coming out of it… It looks like something my nephew would draw. Its pretty sick. I’m a sick cunt alright.

So I’m back stumbling along the road. cars are buzzing past and I get this mad headspin like, woooah which way is up, dizzy. Then I’m on the deck. tonguing tarmac, watching something shiny flying right for my face.

And now I’m dead? Right?

No. Fuck no.

I’m in hospital.

Two broken legs and a fractured pelvis.

That bus nearly flipped though. Tried to miss me but ran right over my dick, up the curb and into the bus stop. There’s fair few other people here from the ‘incident’ as they’re calling it. I got a suicide councillor jabbering in my ear, a law talking guy jabbering in the other and I’m wishing the nurses would hook me up with one of those buttons I could mash to give myself a bit of that ‘(5α,6α)-7,8-didehydro- 4,5-epoxy-17-methylmorphinan-3,6-diol’ know what I’m saying?

Yeah, thats nearly the whole thing. Never should have went out last night. Never shoulda pissed my chinos and trashed some fellas room while I puked all over it. Never would have been cock blocked by 20 tonnes of Council property either.

Thats life but. I cant not be a rad piece of shit.

I’m fucking sick.